So you’re days away from being a freshman in college. You have mixed emotions about the whole thing: half excited and half terrified. Life is hard enough as is, just trying to fit in and make new friends. And to make things even better, you have bipolar and a non-verbal learning disorder so pretending to be “normal” is nearly impossible. You prepare yourself in the days leading up to move in day with pep talks from family, mood stabilizers and anxiety suppressants, and every book about college ever printed. The day comes and you’re ready. Finally, a chance to start over with people who don’t know you and the opportunity to make a limitless amount of new friends. The first couple days are exciting. No parental supervision or high school teachers monitoring the completion of your homework. Meeting tons of new, different people everyday. Hours of free time to do what you choose. Then reality sets in. You have a lot of new acquaintances but no real “friends.” You have someone to go to lunch with after class, but no one to hang out with at night. Your roommate has friends from high school and they do everything together. The anxiety of not fitting in starts to become overwhelming and you’re worried that you’re going to expose your secret issues. You feel left out, lonely, like there is something about you that is repelling people. STOP RIGHT THERE!
If this is you, I have a few suggestions from experience. But the first thing you MUST do is realize that you are not alone.
1) The stresses of college and making friends affect everyone, not just people who have additional mental distresses. “Normal” kids have these problems too; you just may not see it or know it.
2) Talk to someone other than family. Most universities have a counseling center, check to see if yours does! Talking to someone with knowledge on the subject may help you with strategies for dealing with the anxiety/symptoms of your mental situation. Once you have those symptoms under control, the social interactions will be easier.
3) Know that the people who don’t include you are usually not doing it on purpose. Most college age kids are clueless when it comes to acceptance, so they aren’t thinking about it. Thinking that they are intentionally not including you is giving them too much mental credit.
4) It is okay to eat dinner in the dining hall alone. Everyone has to eat, so you may even run into people you know! Bring a textbook so that it seems like you are studying if you are uncomfortable.
5) Be the leader of the pack. Instead of waiting for people to invite you, be the inviter! Plan an activity and then invite people to go with you. Good group activities are bowling, going out to the movies, having a movie night in your dorm room, going out to dinner and going shopping.
6) Class is a great place to develop friendships as you will share classroom space for 6 months. Ask to study with someone before a test. That is a great way to get to know someone.
7) Join clubs! As “nerdy” as it may sound to you, finding a club based on similar interests is a great place to start! Since it is a similar interest group, you are sure to have at least a few things in common!
Relax. Dont try too hard or you may come off as desperate and needy.
9) It is okay to invite yourself along if an acquaintane mentions an activity they are doing. Dont ask every time they say they are going out, but if it truely someplace/something you want to do or you are needing human interaction, ask to join in. Say “hey, mind if i tag along?”
10) Keep trying. Your situation will most likely not change overnight. But do not give up. Keep up the hard work but remember, dont try to hard or be too pushy.
~sarah be.